The Worst Part

I've been thin

I've been fat

And everything in between.

But the worst part for me, regardless of my weight- has always been my face. I've always felt ugly. My friends and I used to play this sick game where we would name a body part (or a facial feature) and say everything that was wrong with it. I was really, really good at that game.

I've told myself a million times that it's okay to be ugly. Some people just are ugly and that's all there is to it.

"With 7 billion people in the world, we don't all get to be good-looking. Some of us have to be monsters. That's just the way it is."

That crock of shit is a direct quote from me, and I still feel this way sometimes.

That kind of deeply etched self-hate doesn't go away quickly.

People can call me fat, people can tell me I'm not as fat as I think I am- those are things I can cope with, but if someone to tells me I have a pretty face, I have to fight the urge to become furious. After so many years of convincing myself that I'm ugly (and trying to convince myself that I'm okay with that) being told that I'm not is very, very hard to hear.

You might think I would be excited to hear someone say I'm pretty, but I don't take it well. I'm learning. I'm getting better. I've gotten to the point where I can say "thank you" to a compliment without grinding my teeth.

I don't tell people that I think I'm ugly because I am fishing for compliments. I said it because I sincerely believed it. I still do some days, but I'm trying to move into a healthier frame of mind. I used to tell myself that I could believe I was ugly and still have a positive body image, but I was lying to myself. I can't feel ugly and accept that as healthy.

This last one isn't black and white (couldn't figure out how to do that with my webcam), but it is me. As I am right this minute, as I type this blog. No makeup, uncooperative hair- just me being me.

And I have to look this girl in the eyes every day and tell her that she is beautiful.

Because I am.

And I deserve it.

No one deserves to feel ugly. I've said it before- the world outside is working very hard to make us hate ourselves and to make us feel worthless. There's no need for us to inflict this pain on ourselves. 

It's not always easy to be kind to yourself- it's easier to be beaten down because so many people are willing to help you do it.

But I'm going to let you in on a secret:

The best people won't.

The best kind of people won't stand idly by and let you tear yourself to pieces. I am very lucky to have some of the best people in my life. 

I want to be one of those people for you. 

I want to be one of those people for me.

If you're struggling with body image and you're here with me, reading this, I want you to know that you are beautiful.

You are beautiful because you are uniquely you. Your life is your gift and your body is the temple in which you get to experience that gift.

Cherish it!