I don't feel like I deserve to write this blog.
It didn't start with this, of course- but as my depression has been with me all day today, and I don't feel qualified to talk to anyone about positivity.
I'm struggling with all the ways I fall short. I'm struggling to convince myself that the things I'm beating myself up about right now aren't real- aren't true. Maybe by the light of another day, I'll be able to look back on this and wrap myself in a big mental hug. It's been a little while since I've felt like this.
Don't think I'm some long-recovered veteran. I'm struggling through this daily. This blog is a first step, not an end step. This is supposed to by my therapy.
I've always written things down when I was struggling with something. I wrote notes to my friends, bad poems, just anything really, to get my feelings to line up in black and white.
The Militant Baker wrote a great post today on diagramming your shit out when things get overwhelming. I followed her advice, because she is awesome and has helped me a lot before. Part of my "action plan" of thing to do right now was to go back and read my own words- think back on all these positive feedback I've gotten from people who have enjoyed my blog. Also, I told myself that I need to blog about this experience so I can help other people through it (once I was through it myself, of course.)
As I try to write this right now, all I can think is that I don't want you to feel this way. I wouldn't want anyone to feel this worthless and lost, but I can't seem to crawl out from under it right now.
I know that my suffering doesn't lessen yours, and for those who love me and are close to me, I bring them sadness, frustration, and suffering of their own. And that just makes me want to curl into a tiny ball.
Why can't I just break out, when I know that's what would be best? Feel best? It seems so simple, but it just isn't right now. I can't seem to find the strength to make the effort.
The thing is, it's not just about cheering up and feeling better. I have a problem that requires a solution, and from where I am right now, I can't see one.
Honestly, going back and reading my blog doesn't make me feel better. Right now, it makes me want to tear it apart. It all feels like lies right now.
My face is puffy from crying and my dog is trying to cheer me up
__________________________________________________This is where I was the other day.
This is truth. This is what happens when I "go dark".
I can't say I'm all the way through it. I still feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, leaning waaaay back, and that all of you are holding onto me, not letting me drop over that edge.
I will admit that answers don't seem forthcoming, and I'm no closer to a solution, but I don't feel so hopeless now. I feel like if there is an answer, I am in a better place to receive and understand it.
I spent a lot of time screaming and crying hysterically, and that didn't help. I tried retreating inward, but that didn't help. I tried blogging, and honestly- that didn't help at the time.
Sometimes people have bad days. Sometimes, people have a couple of bad days in a row.
I know that I haven't experienced my last bad day (wouldn't that be great though?), but I feel like I am coming to the other side of it now, and it didn't defeat me. I don't feel stronger or better, but I am still undefeated- and sometimes, that is enough.
For now, I am staying tentatively positive. I am reminding myself that I am a beautiful, wonderful person. I have a place in this world, surrounded by friends and family.
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