32.

Now that the holiday rush is over

And I'm out of work again

I feel like I'm getting my life back.

Some of it is very, very good- being able to spend time with my kids and my hubby

Some of it, not so much.

I see myself slipping back into patterns of behavior that are pretty negative, and I need to combat these feelings.

It's been hard. Lots of stress. Lots of worrying. 

I really need a naked day.

And I'm 32 now, so there's that.

I've hit another birthday- nothing major. It's not a milestone or anything, and I feel like I have settled into the decade pretty well. I'm looking forward to the length and breadth of this decade. It's started off on shaky ground, but I am determined to see it through positively. 

This is my body at 32.

It slumps. It has lumps and bumps. It's not perfect, but it's mine. It's carried me through 32 years of life and will carry me through the days I have left. I have laughed and loved and cried and dreamed in this body.

This birthday for me was filled with conflict. I haven't really celebrated many birthdays since I was 15. I've celebrated one on occasion, but it is certainly beyond the scope of what is normal for me. 

Why don't I celebrate my birthday?

I've never felt like I deserved to.

For the same reasons I didn't feel like I deserved to feel loved or pretty.

I hated myself. I still struggle with it.

I almost wanted to celebrate this year. I almost wanted to have a party that was just for me, but at the last minute, I went back to all those negeative, useless feelings and got all pissy about it.

My husband wanted to take me out to a nice lunch. 

I talked him out of it.

I did let him wish me a happy birthday this year, which is a step up, I suppose, but I feel myself regressing to similar patterns of very negative behavior. 

In an attempt to rectify this mistake, and at the urging of my youngest son, I have decided to celebrate my birthday- albiet in a mildly roundabaout kind of way.

We're having a bonfire, having a bunch of friends over, and hanging out. That's all I wanted.

Amidst all the confusion and stress that these past few days and weeks have brought, I could use a cleansing fire, some booze, and the company of friends.

It's time to take a step back, get naked, and learn to love again.